Thursday Macie update – written by me 🐕‍🦺, because I'm feeling better, and Mom is currently lounging on the fainting couch, moaning something about I'm going to be the death of her, and is it too early in the day to start drinking... She's been doing that ever since I tried to jump up on the bed while she turned her back to get a sweater. I think she's being more than a little melodramatic. (Although it did hurt a lot, and I've been giving rather melodramatic sad eyes about it too, but I'M THE ONE WHO'S BEEN SLICED OPEN, PEOPLE!!!)

So anyhow, I woke mom and Jasper up this morning by whining in my crate. This got me the reward of a saucer of pumpkin! (I think there was a pill in there, but I snorkelled it down so fast, who can tell?)

I tried whining some more in the kitchen, but all mom did was put on her outside clothes and tell me to go for a pee. I refused, because I didn't want to go outside. She muttered something about me not peeing since yesterday afternoon, and how that's not normal for someone who drinks as much water as I do, but she forgets my bladder is one of my superpowers. I wasn't whining to go outside, I was freaking hungry!

Jasper did go outside, my stinky brother, which delayed getting breakfast. Mom also broke protocol and fed the cats first, muttering something about me not being allowed to go up the stairs like I did yesterday, because she has a bruised butt from trying to get me back down.

FINALLY, she took off my halo and I was able to snarf down a full breakfast, before she even put my stinky brother's bowl down! (I also helped clean up his dish once he left his station, but there wasn't much to clean.)

My belly is starting to get itchy, so while the halo was off I tried to investigate, but The Human caught me, and now I'm stuck in the halo again.

Then there was the bed incident while she got dressed. Oops.

She made me go in my crate while she drove the stinky brother to Ruff Haus to have all the fun without me.

When she came back, I was still trembling a bit, which resulted in her making me pose for photos of my underbelly – oh, the pupmanity! She said it didn't look like I'd torn anything with my overexuberance, and headed towards the fainting couch again.

I was not in the mood, though, and barked at the back door. I was ready to go outside, no time for fainting! She put all her outdoor clothes back on and took me to the patio, where I ate all the fresh snow I could find. She kept telling me to pee, but I was having none of it.

I went on the back walkway and watched the cars go by for a while. But my paws were pretty cold just sitting there. Mom said if I wasn't going to pee, then we should go inside so I could warm up and stop shivering, but I was having none of that. I took her to the other side of the back walkway to my favourite pee place, and she got all excited again, but I didn't feel the love, so continued down the hill, with her screaming something about how her centre of gravity is different than mine and she only has 2 paws, and can't fit under the same tree branches that I can. Whiner.

She stopped complaining when she realized I was heading to the middle of what she calls the "bowling green", but I call Poop Heaven. And guess what I did there? Now she was all excited, saying it was the first time I'd pooped since that embarrassing incident I don't even remember well from Monday night, because LORD, THOSE DRUGS WERE GOOD! I mean, why is she so excited about poop? Usually if I poop when I'm on the leash, she makes me sit still (or at least try) while she pops one of those green baggies on her hand and mutters something about why didn't I do this a few minutes ago, before we passed the garbage can?

After my poop, I wanted to go explore the woods, but she was all pissy about not wanting to be blinded by sticks or having to call someone to help her carry me out if I got tired. Tired?!? I've been sleeping all night. I dragged her to the side yard, and sniffed at all the bunny tracks, then planted a nice big pee in the middle of some fresh snow, while mom nearly peed herself with excitement about the whole thing. (Sheesh, all this excitement about things we all do every day – I think there might be something wrong with her.)

To complete my trek, I went along the front fence and towards the shrubbery, with mom muttering something about oh, you're not making me go through there, and then oh shit, we're going through there, and then there was some crying about sticks and eyes and the wobbly stone not holding the weight of an adult human and more griping until we reached the top, and she let me inside, where I got extra treats because DAMN, the halo had to go back on my head. (She calls it a halo to pretend it's a good thing – I hate her, she's not my real mother.)

She's now fortified the stairs with giant cardboard boxes, and closed the door to the bedroom, and when I bark to go for a walk, she mutters something about how if I lunged at a yappy dog like I usually do, I'd pop all my staples and give her a heart-attack, and if she's dead then who's going to feed us all? This hasn't stopped me barking at the front door for a walk, though. I don't care if the others don't get fed. I want to eat and play and go for walks, they can all get stuffed for all I care. Also, I hate her, she's not my real mother.

Mom wants the laptop back so she can earn some kibble money. I have to go. I will spend my day trying to grow opposable thumbs so I can open doors and drive myself to the dog park. Please send help. And cookies.

Love and snurffles (which currently make The Human whine about how my halo is like a shiv – BUT SHE'S THE ONE MAKING ME WEAR IT), 
Macie